My children, myself - how much do we impose on our children
Vera Joffe, Ph.D.
(vjphdcr)
Copyright © 2001-present. All rights reserved.
My children, myself
Previously printed in the Jewish Journal
The story I am going to tell you is fictitious: I once met a parent who told me that her child was rebellious. I asked her to describe the "rebellion", and the lady told me that her son would not write correctly in his notebook. He would do fairly well in the spelling tests, but every time he completed any other assignment, he made "terrible" spelling mistakes. The lady also told me that her son was making mistakes in Reading on purpose, and that he took hours and hours to complete a chapter, and that he was doing that to make her angry.
I asked the lady: "Have you every thought that maybe your son has difficulty in spelling, and in Reading". That is when the mother became very defensive and told me the following: "I come from a very successful family. I am a doctor, and my husband is a successful attorney. We are all very smart, and we were very good students. My son will be just like we were, a great student!"
Unfortunately, the lady was making a big mistake: She was focusing so much on her need to see her son as the "perfect student" that she did not realize for a long time that her son had a learning disability which was noted to her one year later.
Parents always have expectations about children
I have a poster in my office in which a girl is trying to fly up the sky, and she tells her mother: "Mommy, help me touch the stars". Her mother is letting her go, but she is also directing her to the shiny star. So, as parents we need to let our children make their choices, have freedom to be themselves, even making mistakes and learning from them. Nevertheless, we are still directing and guiding them with an open heart. Therefore, maybe your son or daughter will not be the doctor or lawyer that you hoped for. But he/she will have a profession, a job, maybe a family, friends, treat others nicely, be forgiving, and happy.
On the other hand, the idea of the parent letting go of the child, but still directing her to a shiny star is also important. Directing your children to making choices is very important, and this is a process that starts very early in their lives. For instance, when preparing their lunch for school, you can ask them to choose between two healthy meals instead of just letting them pick what they want from an unhealthy group of foods.
Choices that are more difficult are also important to be guided, but not necessarily imposed. Making choices about friends, how one uses her freedom, how children spend their free time, how much they exercise, their spiritual life. Trying to make children develop in areas you would like them to achieve in, such as playing an instrument when they do not like that may be counterproductive. Pay attention to your children's talents and preferences. I have suggested to parents to take their children to cooking classes instead of tennis lessons (when they enjoy cooking so much). Other children are very funny in the classroom, and instead of taking ballet (as their mothers want them to), they will be much happier in a Comedy Class (and they may stop getting in trouble in the classroom for being the class clown).
When children are younger, there are situations in which parents' decisions represent what will happen. For example, if parents decide that a child should go to Religious School, they explain the situation to the child, and they talk about it. However, the decision is already made. It is helpful for children to know that parents are usually wiser because they are adults, and they are older. In addition, there are some situations in which children just have to respect their parents' decisions without having to discuss every single detail of them.
Thus, it is important for parents to decide what is important to them as a family. Please, remind yourselves that your children (as well as you) are not perfect, and they are not living to fulfill your dreams. Quite the contrary, you as parents are just helping them fulfill their dreams as long as they are positive, and constructive. "Pick your battles", and make them appropriate for the children's ages: A teenager is more equipped to make certain decisions about watching television programs than a five year old child is. Maintain an open mind to listen to your children: You may review your rules and expectations often as long as there is respect as well as dialogue.
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